{EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT NECROPHILIA BUT WE'RE AFRAID TO ASK}

Words by Marco Belran, Union Staffer

It’s Friday/Saturday night. You’re date-less and watching Twilight with your younger sibling, for the fifteenth time, while eating leftover chocolates from Valentine’s day. Sexy, teenage vampires kissing humans gets you thinking of how you wish you had your own little vampire to spend some quality time with.

Close your eyes and imagine your lips pressed against your vampire, cold, sweet, and soft like the skin on a chilled peach, and you’re immersed into an erotic fantasy of you and your sweet vampire. You’re in a graveyard, lying on the tomb of a guy that died from polio in 1902 while your vampire sexes you up in a way that only happens in your dreams. You reach up to touch his or her face with the back of your hand and you notice a drop of blood creeping down from behind their ear. Slowly their skin starts falling off until there is nothing left but patches of skin on a limp corpse.

I hate to break it to you, but you just committed necrophilia and desecrated some poor slob’s grave. Maybe if this were Illinois, Kansas, Wisconsin, Louisiana, New Mexico, North Carolina, Oklahoma, or Vermont—states where there are no laws condemning necrophilia—it would be fine, but it’s illegal in California. It is an interesting concept to think about and it appears frequently throughout history, literature and movies, but it leaves lots of questions about the whole process. What kind of person has sex with a dead body? Do you have sex with it in the graveyard or do you take it home and dress it up? How does one go about having sex with a dead body? How do girls have sex with dead guys? Is it hard to have sex with the living after or can one only get aroused by the dead?

I dove into this lifestyle, immersed myself in images of sexuality and death in an attempt to desensitize my mind, so as to make it more appealing to my sexual preferences. I drove down to a graveyard in New Mexico to find someone that could offer helpful tips for first-timers or curious readers. There I met Gus, a local with a crooked smile, shovel in hand and a bag in the other, and the pieces fell together. Proudly, Gus told me that a big issue he had while positioning the body for coitus was the rigor mortis, the stiffing of the body that occurs upon death. The best way to combat it, according to Gus, is to rub Icy Hot on the stiff areas, and “some on your privates for fun.” Also, bring lots of rubbing alcohol, or regular alcohol, to sanitize the body. Some of the bodies get dirty while being exhumed and the alcohol helps to kill the smell of rotting flesh.

“Above all,” he yelled in my direction as he walked off into the forest dragging a large trash bag, “don’t kiss it! I got a bad cold sore from one of these beauties, so I don’t recommended it. Especially with the guys.”
If you’re ever lonely on a Friday or Saturday night and live near a graveyard with an abundance of corpses just begging for some sweet, sweet loving, remember, herpes is forever.