“CALL ME LOU.”

AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW
WITH THE NEW PRINCE OF DARKNESS

Words by Caitlin Cutt, Literature Editor

and Rachel Rufrano, Managing Editor

Photo by Andrew Lee, Photo Editor

What comes to mind when you think of Satan? Red horns? A pitchfork? Evil? Well, I bet you didn’t know that Satan lives in Pasadena. He likes sushi, and not even the spicy kind. He’s more of a “Philadelphia Roll” kind of guy. He has to wear his socks inside out because he can’t stand the seam, and as far as the smoke is concerned—you’ll never believe this—Satan has asthma. And the last place I’d expect to find him is in a beautiful mansion.

I was greeted at the door by a jovial middle-aged Mexican woman named Yolanda who’s been Lucifer’s housekeeper for the last thirty years. As she lead me down a hallway adorned with taxidermy and antique slot machines, she educated me on the history of the five-story mansion, which I later found out was decorated in the same morbidly opulent fashion.
When I entered what Yolanda called the “parlor room,” Lucifer was perched in a leather chair with a bowl of Chunky Monkey in the middle of a Friends marathon. I couldn’t tell what was making me uncomfortable—the fact that I was about to have a conversation with Lucifer, that his ottoman was made from an elephant’s foot, or that Lucifer probably knew all the words to “Smelly Cat.”

Union Weekly: So the rumor around town is that you’re trying to rehaul your image.
Lucifer: Yes. I feel like I’ve been misrepresented in the media and that if there ever were a time to show the world I’ve turned a new leaf, it’s now.
UW: What sparked this change? Was it God? A traumatic experience, perhaps?
L: Well, everybody likes a good comeback story, right? I’m still rooting for Britney Spears myself. But all kidding aside, I-I’m just ready to talk.
UW: You know, for 2000 years you’ve been dubbed the bad boy of the metaphysical world. People call you the “Angel of Death.”
L: See, now that’s not fair. I’m not Death. That’s like confusing Cheney with Bush. I may have made some mistakes, but it’s not me who’s going to bring about the apocalypse. That’s Death. If you have a bone to pick with anyone, it’s him.
UW: You guys are really part of the same family, run with the same crowd, am I right?
L: That’s my family, Rachel. It’s not me.
UW: Then let’s talk about you. Were you ever evil or are you just misunderstood?
L: Oh no, there were a lot of dark years there and I hurt a lot of people.
UW: Come on now, Lucifer. Hurt a lot of people or damned them for eternity?
L: I haven’t even figured out that whole “eternity” thing yet, so I can’t really comment on it. But seriously, I don’t know the moment I changed, but I know the moment I recognized that I had changed. I was waiting outside an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with a handle of tequila just waiting for a newbie to push off the wagon, which was an old pastime of mine, I’ll admit. But then this family walked by and…[he starts to tear up] the dad had his daughter on his shoulders. His wife was beautiful. I thought to myself, I have so much to give. And I thought, What am I doing with my life? I mean, I’m so lucky that I have Yolanda, but I think I’m ready for more.
UW: Starting a family would be a really radical change. Do you really think you’re ready for something like that?
L: No, I realized that before I can make anyone else happy, I must first be happy with myself. I’ve been having some “me” time.
UW: “Me” time? What does that entail?
L: I’ve been embracing my more creative side. I’ve really been getting into photography lately. I know it’s a cop out, but I really love Ansel Adams. I’ve never been to Yosemite, but I’m taking some time off in July to go visit.
UW: You sound pretty confident in your transition, but I have a hard time believing you’re not fighting some urge to damn and destroy right now.
L: The urge may always be there, but I’m a different man.
UW: So what you’re saying is that right now you’re not fighting an urge to make some deal for me to sell my soul?
L: No, no, no. I don’t need that stuff anymore. I’m content with just one soul. What I have is an addiction. It’s a struggle, but I take it one day at a time. I haven’t bought a soul in over a month and that’s a big deal for me.
UW: You don’t want the soul of a journalist who reaches millions all over the world?
L: I’ve only made one deal like that and I don’t think you can even count Ryan Seacrest as a journalist anymore.
UW: If you were to make a deal with me, hypothetically of course, how would you go about doing that?
L: This is highly inappropriate.
UW: You owe the public this information. How can we keep you in check unless we know what to look for?
L: Okay, but I’m warning you, once you’ve seen the things I’ve seen, you can never go back.
UW: No, I can take it. Do you know how many men in my department wanted this story?
L: A lot, I’d imagine.
UW: Yes, a lot. But I got the feature story. I got the interview.
L: That must be very difficult to deal with, but you’re beautiful and intelligent, so no wonder you got this interview. Men can’t compete with that. Believe me, I would know.
UW: Oh, Lucifer, please—
L: Lou. Just call me Lou.
UW: Lou. That’s sweet. Who knew you were so sweet?
L: That’s what I’ve been trying to say! People have me all wrong. It’s slander, muckraking. Yellow journalism. The kind of thing a journalist like you vehemently stands against.
UW: Wow. Well, I can say that I’ve seen the wonderful new side of—of Lou.
L: [laughs] Thank you so much Ms. Rufrano, but there are more wonderful sides to me that you—the world­—has yet to see.
UW: Really? Maybe we should arrange something. Another meeting, maybe?
L: I’m free for the rest of the day and I’m here to give you, Ms. Rufrano, an exclusive sneak peek.
UW: That sounds… wonderful.

[The editorial staff of the Union Weekly would like to congratulate Ms. Rufrano on her surprising new endeavor as Editor-in-Chief of Vanity Fair magazine.]